God Forgives Racist Principal But Refuses to Forgive “Devil” Whom She Blamed For Her Remarks

12 May


HEAVEN – Recently, at a high school commencement in Georgia, Nancy Gordeuk, a principal was caught on video making racially charged remarks, and then later issued an apology, blaming the devil for what she said.

She went on to reassure those upset by the events that transpired that God has forgiven her and that they should do likewise. When reached for comment, Yahweh issued a statement saying He did forgive her and that she was now, once again, in His good graces and that it was indeed Beelzebub which caused her to stumble. Said the Lord, “Yep. I totally forgave her. As for Satan, he and I have a history. I still haven’t forgiven him for the time he baited me into letting him off Job’s 10 kids. He’s a trickster. Sure, when he rebelled against me and tried to overthrow Heaven, I let 1/3 of my angels follow him. Seemed like the right thing to do at the time. But I have a strict policy I adhere to. I forgive people. But former angels is where I draw the line. Don’t get me wrong, I forgave Dahmer and now he’s up here with us, which is kinda fucked up if you think about it. But I try not to overanalyze things.”

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New Parchment Reveals Extended Prayer in Garden of Gethsemane

16 Apr


JERUSALEM – Throughout history, many scholars have suspected that the prayer Jesus prayed in the Garden of Gethsemane was too short due to the fact that Jesus refers to the time he spent praying in Luke 22:40 as one hour as he discovered his disciples had fallen asleep when he said, “Could you not keep watch with me for one hour?” They also imagined that due to what was getting ready to happen to Jesus (that he would be crucified), he probably had a lot on his chest and that the actual conversation between him and God was longer.

Recently, an early copy of the Gospels has been found. In it, an account of a lesser known disciple, Apostle Steve, the 13th disciple indicated that the prayer Jesus prayed was much longer than the single sentence Luke spoke of. In the new parchment, Steve included a transcript of the entire prayer in the Garden of Gethsemane. Here now, for the first time, is that prayer in full:

Jesus: Oh, my Father, if it is possible, let this cup pass from me, nevertheless, not as I will, but as thou wilt.

God: Sure.

Jesus: Really?

God: Psyche. Not gonna happen.

Jesus: You’re so mean. Any chance at all that I could get out of this?

God: People have wronged me. The only way I can forgive them is to have you tortured to death.

Jesus: And that makes sense to you?

God: Look. There’s been tons of prophecy about this in Scripture detailing out exactly how you will die. I can’t back off now. I’m too invested.

Jesus: It’s bad enough how you treated Mom and Joe. Now this?

God: What do you mean?

Jesus: Well, for starters, you got Mom pregnant in a time and place where if a woman was even suspected of losing her virginity before marriage, they would kill her.

God: So, what’s your point?

Jesus: Couldn’t you have at least waited until they got married? They nearly stoned her to death on her father’s doorstep until Joe stopped them. And if that’s not bad enough, you got her pregnant on a timeline where she would have to travel 100 miles nine months pregnant on the back of a donkey. And then, you weren’t even chivalrous enough to give her a room at the inn to give birth to me in. Made her deliver me in a fucking barn because you apparently wanted me to have humble beginnings.

God: Don’t talk to your Father that way. If you don’t watch your mouth, I’ll have everyone refer to your execution date as Good Friday.

Jesus: You wouldn’t.

God: Try me.

Jesus: This is bullshit.

God: Done.

Jesus: You’re a bad father.

God: Just for that, I’ll have everyone wear little crosses around their necks, so after I bring you back and you ascend to Heaven to sit at my right hand, your followers will be wearing a constant reminder to you of the way you suffered which will probably make you have flashbacks and give you PTSD.

Jesus: What’s PTSD?

God: Don’t worry about it.

Jesus: You’re so confusing sometimes.

God: I’m mysterious.

Jesus: You’re a vindictive asshole. This fucking sucks. I’m not doing it.

God: You don’t have a choice. I am the LORD.


Pat Robertson Insists Atheist Apologize for Day of Birth

21 Feb

Pat Robertson Insists Atheist Apologize for Day of Birth

VIRGINIA BEACH, VIRGINIA – Pat Robertson has had some pretty controversial things to say about well… everything. From advocating blessing donated clothes to drive out suspected “evil” spirits to blaming “the gays” for Hurricane Katrina, he has been unabashedly vocal about some incredibly stupid shit. But now he may have just outdone himself.

Sherrya Lawless, a satirist and poet in the atheist community was born on 9/11. And now Pat Robertson has called on her to apologize for her “disrespectful” action (which in no way she was responsible for) of being born on and inevitably celebrating an anniversary which most Americans mourn.

Said Robertson, “I have had a problem with this young woman from the get-go; from her satirical, witty poems poking fun at religion to her photoshopped images giving the appearance that she attended the crucifixion of Christ, she has angered me to no end. But to be born on the day that Muslim terrorists, unprovoked, attacked our peace-loving democracy? I just…”

Those were the last words he spoke. The young woman’s blasphemy got to Pat so much that he worked himself up into a stress-induced stroke. He is now hospitalized and is said to be recovering. There is no word yet as to whom will be his temporary replacement as the fill-in host of the 700 Club. But rumor has it that Joel Osteen, who has had his eye on the coveted spot, may have what it takes to fill Pat Robertson’s shoes; at least for now.


Ken Ham Wins Debate Using “You Weren’t There” Tactic. Thousands of Years of Recorded Human History Called Into Question

6 Feb

PETERSBURG, KENTUCKY – Some say that it shouldn’t even have happened. Richard Dawkins tried to talk Bill Nye out of debating Ken Ham on the subject of creationism, saying that by deciding to engage him, he would be implying that the subject was worth having a discussion over.

Repeatedly, Ken Ham made the remark, “You weren’t there,” in an effort to debunk hard science and the overwhelming majority of actual scientists out there who regard evolution as true.

However, the results of a FOX News poll gathered mostly by surveying 80-something year old white men who kept making fun of Nye’s bow tie during the debate and thus, not actually paying attention, have revealed that from those surveyed, 90% thought Ham won. Since the aging pale male demographic is an indication of what the majority of Americans believe, thousands of years of recorded human history has been called into question.

When told the results of the survey and asked how it would affect further discussion about science, notable astrophysicist, Neil deGrasse Tyson said, “Bye,” and walked out of the room in a fit of hysterical laughter.


Ted Cruz Episode of Scare Tactics to Air Longest Episode on Record Because He Won’t Admit He’s Scared

11 Jan

Ted Cruz Episode of Scare Tactics to Air Longest Episode on Record Because He Won't Admit He's Scared

WASHINGTON – Ted Cruz thinks he’s tough. He says he doesn’t scare easily. His resolve and stubbornness was put to the test in the latest episode of Scare Tactics on the SyFy network.

The show put together a more than willing group of food stamp recipients and invaded his home at one in the morning, demanding he sponsor a bill to raise the minimum wage and when most people would be their most terrified, they asked him what they ask everyone at this point, “Are you scared?” His answer was, “No.” By this time, he had already peed his pants and was shaking out of sheer terror.

They persisted. His answer was a quivering, stammering, “N-nope. N-not one b-b-bit.” This dialogue went on in a verbal standoff with the down and out low wage earners and the Texas Senator while he elaborated on why he was not utterly terrified and lasted for approximately three hours.

Due to the nature of the episode and because they had such a high-profile name on the show, the episode will be aired in continuity and in full this next Thursday on the SyFy Network.

I guess even when it comes to admitting he’s scared, he just has a thing for filibusters.


Mitt Romney Furious Over New Parody Version of Jay Z’s 99 Problems

6 Jan

Mitt Romney Furious Over New Parody Version of Jay Z's 99 Problems

WASHINGTON – Mitt Romney lives the easy life. He has had very little problems since he was born into wealth, attended prep schools, and went to an Ivy League University. After college, he became CEO of Bain Capital where he made an exorbitant amount of money. However, as of late, he has become enraged at a new parody version of Jay Z’s 99 Problems. Here now are the lyrics to that song.

I’m having real problems but don’t feel bad for me, son.

I got 99 problems but Mitt ain’t one.

Mitt. He’s old. Election almost stole.

Koch bros with money they bank rolled.

My critics say socialist cause they’re my foes.

It’s the economy, stupid. Trying to cut what this nation owes.

Trying to make sure our middle class grows.

So you all can celebrate the minute you have some dough.

I’m trying to improve this nation as a whole.

Tryin’ to silence the cynics. My campaign theme is “Forward.”

Conservative radio, I won’t go on their shows.

They can talk all they want. I don’t give a shit. So.

Most mags try to use my black ass

So advertisers can give em more cash for ads. Hustlers.

Harvard is the school from which I’m a grad.

If you understand I’m intelligent, you may be glad.

‘I’m from rags to riches, sucka. I ain’t dumb.

I got 99 problems but Mitt ain’t one.

Pick me.

99 problems but Mitt ain’t one

I’m having real problems but don’t feel bad for me, son.

I got 99 problems but Mitt ain’t one.

Pick me.

In 2004, it was me you saw.

Keynote speaker. Quite a crowd I draw.

Told them they had two choices. Kerry or

Some clown who would make the country worse for the poor.

I delivered the speech my way, Ace. Piece of cake.

Then I raised a few dollars. And I made my case.

“Your sights are set too high.” Or so I was told.

I wondered why there was folks trying to be stopping me for

Being young, being black. In the ring, my hat I did throw.

I’m a really good speaker, sir. I don’t know.

Will I pass the test? I guess soon we’ll know fo’ sho’.

Not quite yet 55. Closer to 44.

I saw soon how high I had set the bar.

I would soon set the Republican party ajar.

Questioned my birth certificate even though it was legit.

Seems like some people didn’t want me to be President a little bit.

Most likely it was because my skin is black.

Most of them in the South had a big problem with that.

I’m smart. That’s a fact. You’d think I’m a lawyer or something.

Gonna be somebody important or somethin’.

It seemed that among Democrats I was a big hit.

Republicans tried to downplay my shit.

We’ll see how I do when the election comes.

I got 99 problems but Mitt ain’t one.

Pick me.

99 problems but Mitt ain’t one.

I’m having real problems

But don’t feel bad for me, son.

I got 99 problems but Mitt ain’t one.

99 problems but Mitt ain’t one.

I’m having real problems

But don’t feel bad for me, son.

I got 99 problems but Mitt ain’t one.

Pick me.

Now once upon a time not too long ago.

I had to go up against all the money of the Koch bros.

Their fundraising was even more than McCain’s could hope to be.

I’ll use the bully pulpit. Just you try and shush me.

My people gave all they could afford.

If it was a contest, they wouldn’t have won any awards.

On the rich, I wanted to impose a tax hike.

Give the middle class a break. Gonna be a hell of a fight.

When it comes to making Boehner cry, he’s easy to sadden.

Try to negotiate with him, it just isn’t gonna happen.

There he goes tit for tat again.

McConnell too, ruin the economy was their plan.

When it came to deals, they had heavy hands.

Think it may have been cause my Dad was African.

And we keep electing them.

Look at their faces. They’ve got pig in shit grins.

It’s alright ‘cause secret service carries guns.

I got 99 problems but Mitt ain’t one.


Cracker Barrel Underestimates Redneck Patron Base. Decides Not to Take “Cracker” out of Title of Restaurant after All.

30 Dec

LEBANON, TENNESSEE – Recently after Phil Robertson’s gaffe, Cracker Barrel Restaurant and Old Country Store initially decided to distance itself from Duck Dynasty’s patriarch and appealing to a more high-brow audience, decided to change its name from Cracker Barrel to just “The Barrel.” Said their CEO, “We’re just tired of the redneck thing.” They even started to replace corn bread with caviar, catering to a more sophisticated palate. With the intended name change, failed Presidential candidate turned Fox favorite host, Mike Huckabee, voiced their decision, much like their food, “left a bad taste” in his mouth.

So after much deliberation, Cracker Barrel recanted and brought things back to the status quo. However, they may have overcompensated with their servers now being allowed to wear camouflage and not shower nor shave before going on duty to wait tables.